exist or live?

when whoever you are (please come off anonymous! I don’t bite. okay sometimes I do. but in a loving way.) asked me this question I am pretty sure you did not expect the long answer that it requires me to answer this. for that I am sorry… but you asked and therefore you shall receive. 

the short answer is: I have absolutely no idea what I want. 

the long answer… I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I wanted just a friend (for lack of better phrasing) with benefits. type of situation and I have done that before. it worked out fine. but I got involved with this guy who is seriously one of my best friends. and I realize now (that its over) that I was not entirely honest with myself. I like him. I would like to date him. but this is totally complicated by the fact that I just a few short months I could possibly be moving across the country. 

I have no need to be in a relationship with someone. I am actually probably better off without a guy in my life. it makes it more simple. but I miss that support of another person. the cuddling. etc. but I have no need of the title of “relationship” it doesn’t bother me to not have the title of boyfriend to attach to that person. the relationship between him and me is what really matters. that we are comfortable with each other and are on the same page about our feelings. I want someone who is going to be my best friend but I am also physically attracted to. More than that? I cant really say.

I am not at a place (mainly because of the moving) in my life to actively seek out a relationship or anything with anyone right now. I already have enough people and connections that I am going to be very upset to leave behind. I don’t know how I am going to cope as it is but I very much feel that it’s the next step in my life to move away from here. Its something I feel I need to do to grow as a person and continue to enrich my life.

Eventually. Yes. I want a relationship. I want to get married. And have kids. But right now? This place? No. I cant say I want any of those things now. I am still trying to figure out who I am. I want to establish myself independently. If there comes along someone who will let me do that, help me along and grow with me. Then all the better. But no I am not looking for anything in particular.